11 Reasons Why Conservatives Are NOT People

Zombie Republicans! Image from http://www.mediaite.com/online/dead-people-hate-democrats-mans-obituary-attacks-obama/attachment/zombie-republicans/

Editor’s Note: This article is filed under political humor. It is intended to be humorous.

Conservatives have been pushing for corporate personhood for decades. The right-wing has worked hard to pathetically explain how a corporation is a person, but now it’s time to turn the tables in a different direction. It’s time to ask ourselves this question. Are conservatives people? Here are eleven reasons why conservatives are NOT people.

1. REAL people have hearts. If there’s one thing in this world that defines humanity, it’s our ability to be compassionate towards those in need. Compassion is a trait among humans that compels us to take care of those in society that are having a rough time, such as the sick and the poor. Conservatives hate the sick and the poor and blame them for America’s problems. They have zero empathy for those of us who have the least. REAL people have hearts, and conservatives do not.

2. REAL people have brains. It’s an organic super computer that separates us from animals, yet conservatives have demonstrated time and time again that their brains are useless. Brains are supposed to store knowledge but apparently conservatives didn’t get the memo. They consistently butcher history, screw up math, and misunderstand science. Brains also help us solve problems and to think critically, two things that conservatives also have a difficult time doing.

3. REAL people do not put profits first. It’s safe to say that when it comes between money and family, people will most often put their family first. In other words, people will put people first. Corporations do not put people before profit, and neither do conservatives. They are literally willing to throw their own grandmothers under a speeding bus to save money. Real people would do whatever it takes to care for grandma and grandpa, even if it means paying taxes to fund Medicare, going broke, or going in debt in the process.

4. REAL people work together and compromise. Let’s face it, the human race did not get this far without working together and compromising. But this is exactly what conservatives are incapable of doing. Their “my way or the highway” attitude is causing America to implode. Meanwhile, the real human beings (liberals) are working for compromise to keep the house from falling down.

5. REAL people are curious. Conservatives really aren’t curious about the world around them. They’d rather not travel the world, see new things, or experience different cultures. The world outside America is just too “foreign” to them. Also “foreign” to conservatives is that “evil” and “satanic magic” called science. Rather than find out why it rains, or how babies are made, or how atoms are split, conservatives have just one explanation for everything. God did it. To conservatives, when it comes to science, humans aren’t capable of doing things themselves. If we launch a rocket into space, it wasn’t science’s doing. God made the rocket go up. Even apes are more curious about how the world works.


6. REAL people are not robots. People generally have mixed opinions about all sorts of things and are capable of changing their minds and usually vary in their beliefs. Not conservatives. If you’ve been following politics for the last 10+ years, you’d understand that conservatives are very much like robots, or pull string dolls that say the same things over and over and over and over again without fail or variation. Things like “trickle down works”, “we can’t raise taxes”, “the wealthy are job creators”, “corporations are people”, “liberals are socialists”, and “we need more guns” are talking points that conservatives consistently say without variation. You’ll never hear them say they were wrong, and they’ll continue to say the same things. That’s what robots do. Unless they’re reprogrammed by God (scientists don’t really make robots), they will always repeat themselves.

7. REAL people care for their young. To conservatives, nothing is more important than children. That is, until AFTER they are born. After a child is born, conservatives slip back into a profit driven mind-set. They do not want to help feed the children, nor do they want to help children receive medical care. It just costs too much. If you are a pregnant woman, conservatives will watch you like a hawk until you give birth (or die trying) and then you’re on your own. Conservatives don’t understand that children are human beings with needs. They assume God will take care of them until adulthood and so they refuse to approve of things such as food stamps and medicaid to adequately care for children. The wealthiest conservatives usually abandon their children, often leaving them in the care of illegal immigrant nannies or uptight boarding schools.

8. REAL people need clean air and clean water. You would think conservatives need clean air and water to live, right? Wrong. Conservatives enjoy air pollution (science isn’t real, therefore air is air and oxygen doesn’t matter) and they enjoy chemicals in their water (except fluoride). They relentlessly push for the end of any and all regulations that keep corporations from poisoning us in the name of profit (there’s that word again). So, apparently, conservatives NEED polluted air and water, which real humans can’t survive on. This also proves that conservatives are, again, robots.

9.REAL people work hard to improve themselves. This is a difficult concept for conservatives. People generally want to improve themselves either through education or mastering their trade or changing their attitude towards things in life. Conservatives think higher education is evil and that those who seek Doctoral degrees are bettering themselves for Satan. In their minds, it’s ok for the local “healers” to call themselves “doctors” without ever going to a place called a “school” or a “college”. To conservatives, bettering oneself means getting rich off a stock market tip or betting against America and then causing a recession. If you are poor, conservatives think you are weak, lazy, and stupid, even if you work 18 hours a day in a steel factory and study to earn your college degree the other 6. If you are wealthy, conservatives think you’re intelligent and hard-working, even if all you did was drop out of high school and inherited your dead fathers money. Conservatives also do not believe in bettering themselves because they believe God makes people exactly what they are (except the “gays”, the “coloreds”, and the “non-believers”).

10. REAL people have consciences. One of my favorite Disney movies of all-time is Pinocchio. The movie tells the tale of a wooden puppet that longs to become a real boy. He can only do so if he proves himself brave, truthful, and unselfish. Remember that later. Throughout his journey to reach that goal, Pinocchio is guided by his conscience, Jiminy Cricket. The difference between Pinocchio and conservatives, is that Pinocchio HAS a conscience. Even though Pinocchio tells lies in the film, his conscience brings him to tell the truth. Conservatives lie all the time and have no problem with it. They also have no problem with hurting the poor, children, and senior citizens. Thus, conservatives obviously do not have a Jiminy Cricket to push them to do good. It takes a real monster to not have a conscience, and you have to wonder how conservatives can sleep at night knowing that they’ve destroyed the hopes and dreams of millions of Americans. To become a REAL boy, Pinocchio had to be brave, truthful, and unselfish. Conservatives fail all three criteria.

11. REAL people have differences. To be human means to also be different. Not all humans are the same. We all have differences of gender, color, opinion, personality, religion, nationality, language, ability, sexuality, etc… Conservatives reject different. To them, differences among the human population are to be feared, hated, and destroyed. Conservatives all like the same things. For instance,

Favorite color: white
Favorite food: red meat
Favorite activity: making money
Favorite language: American English (southern style)
Favorite religion: Fundamental Christianity
Favorite Nationality: America (The South)
Favorite opinions: Liberals are commies, big government is bad, and corporate greed is good.
Favorite sexuality: straight (unless two women are “getting it on”)

If you are white, conservatives will try to make you conform and God is usually involved (pray away the gay, school prayer, etc…). If you are brown, conservatives will consider making you conform. If they can’t, you must be deported. If you are black, conservatives will also consider making you conform. If they can’t, they threaten you with “lynching”, which they consider their secret favorite pastime activity. Real people understand that others have differences and accept those differences because it is the human thing to do. Conservatives have no use for differences because it hinders their efforts to control the population.

So what have we learned? We have known all along that corporations are definitely not people. What we just discovered is that it takes a lot to be a real person, and as it turns out, conservatives do not meet the necessary criteria to qualify for that title.